New York Subway Series Part 1, Commuting with Trash and Fake Deaf Mute

January 27, 2011 Leave a comment

So one day The Saint was riding the E train to go back home. Sitting next to me was a lovely woman I worked with and we had a nice conversation for the short time we were on the train. As she got off at her stop I smiled when a couple, sone Scottish f’k head and his girl sat next to me on my right, and the douche-bag sat on my leg, there wasn’t enough space. This was enough to wrinkle my trousers and I stood up and asking him “What the fuck his problem was?” and as he held his head down like a f’king little pussy, I’m proceed to ask him why he could sit on my leg  but not look me in the face, “faggot little pussy!”

I walked down the train car not very far where there was another  generous space, why could the pussy and his girl sit there lazy mother f’k, so I sat down calmly and started to read a book I had brought with me. At the next stop one of those fake annoying cocksuckers who pretends to be deaf and dumb put a card next to me on the space on the seat . I flicked it away, knowing it was some bullshit asking for money to keep the card, this was so 80’s. Anyway, the fake deaf mute asshole comes back and starts to take my business card, that I was using as a bookmark, out from the pages in the book I was holding and reading. I was pissed as hell, told him “to get his fucking hands away from me before I kicked his ass, Yeah you can hear hear me know you fake deaf mute fucking asshole, I stood up to make my point and told him to get the fuck out of the subway car and to take the Scottish pussy with him.” While I was standing up getting his ass away from me this fat Puerto Rican chick run behind him me and takes my seat. WTF!!!

“You are all fucking trash on this train, a  Scottish pussy, a fake deaf mute, and a deaf fat ass seat stealing Puerto Rican fat ass Bitch!”

Fucking Sinners.


I’ll take over New York, Minnesota babe and The Yankee Part 1

January 23, 2011 Leave a comment

While at Il Palazzo, The Yankee, The Fat Man, and The Saint sat down at the little service bar. After The Bartender poured a half a bottle of Grey Goose into The Fat Man’s Riedel Burgundy Wine goblet and set a small bottle of club soda next to it, we had a cheers with my Beck’s and The Yankee’s Bud.

The first one went down well, in a matter of seconds then as always another arrived without request, or without a verbal one. We sat around the corner of the bar. Myself, to the far left, The Fat Man at the wrap corner and The Yankee at the far right at the wall next to one of the kitchen exits.
After a little Bs’ing for a while a young woman with dark brown hair darted up to the bar and sat to my left. She announced “my name is Pammy” and then as she ordered a drink, white wine I think, she blurted out that she had to get something off her chest. “I flew in from Minnesota today” (where?) ” and came to meet my married friend for dinner with her two guys from her office. We went to dinner” (somewhere-who the f’k was really listening) ‘”and then they said lets go for a drink. We all agreed then we passed by the hotel as my friend wanted to get something from the room. Everyone went up to the room and then my married friend took off her clothes and jumped in bed with her married boss and started fucking and the other guy was waiting for me to jump bed too and now I’m here.”

Well, this woke us up as she certainly was here after that f’k up story. The Bartender was shocked and as I drank from my glass, the cold beer soothed my throat and tongue as the wheels in my head started to spin. I smiled at Pammy and felt The Fat Man’s infectious smile to my left without even seeing it. She pleasured herself with her captivating attack on subduing attention and The Fat Man leaned over to my ear and said, “Let’s have a good time with this one.”

As she told us about her unbelieving boring life as a school teacher/assistant at a shit college, in where , oh yes Minnesota wherever that is, we had a good time playing around with her expressing our interest in her “exciting” life. I blew her off almost completely except for the laughs I shared with The Bartender and The Fat Man had us rolling talking circles around her.

What was really interesting is that she wasn’t drunk, just so severely impressed with herself that so knew no bounds. While people say that New Yorkers are jaded or assholes, there are so many people like that with which you must deal with over the course of each and every day you become immune. What is fun is the tourists who are big shots from nowhere who come to Take over New York and Pammy was right there doing her thing.

While having another drink and enjoying the conversation that went all around whatever Pammy was trying to say The Fat Man had been pumping up The Yankee that Pammy was a great girl and marriage material; That he should go and take her out to see the town, the Big Apple that she wanted to conquest and maybe even get laid for a change. The Fat Man immediately started talking about going to another hit spot, although it was hip ten years before and just another place weak people from Manhattan and tourist left us alone without problems, as we looked like Wise-guys or bad cops.

Truth be told, I was ready to go home, after having 3 or 4 beers and tired of the scene. Pammy was ok looking but not worth spending any time on for a one night stand with a little crazy chick, nice body though, and she was white bred through and through which was perfect for The Yankee.

The Yankee took it upon himself to go get a car from this guy Mustafa who would take you around town for $40 in a Mercedes that was about to croak at any minute. The car was clean but the transmission kept saying “oh shit” all the time.

Pammy kept asking where the restroom was, she wanted some action and The Yankee didn’t get it and didn’t get it. I tried to push him by saying that if he didn’t take her there, I would take her there and take her completely. That worked as he finally got her there but missed what she wanted to do.(She was gonna burst sexually)

Upon there quick arrival back we knew The Yankee had blew his initial hookup in the hotel, she was staying there anyway. Then he announced (with half a pair) “We’re going out,’ to Pammy. She lit up all smiles.
Then as they walked away she stopped and said to The Fat Man and Me,” Aren’t you guys coming?”
The Fat Man replied,” No You’re going with The Yankee.” Pammy paused, she came back and sat beside me o the stool. “Saint. Your not coming too?” I answered, you are safe with The Yankee, I gotta go home. Have fun, he’s got a private car for you too.”
She planted her skinny body and curvy ass on the stool, crossed her arms and said, “Then I”m not going if you guys don’t go too.”

This was f’king bad.

As we started to try to tell her to go with The Yankee, he stormed away then stopped, exploded yelling at the top of his lungs (to The Fat Man) “GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE AND KIDS, THEY NEVER SEE YOU! (to The Saint) AND YOU, YOU ARE F’KING EVIL YOUR NO GOOD!”

The whole place could believe this one, it was as if time stood almost still or in slow motion. There wasn’t time for embarrassment as The bartender,our group and the whole staff and guests of Il Palazzo were in utter shock. WTF could be said as Pammy blurted out with a smile to The Fat Man and Myself,

Are we still going out?”



Oscar Wilde Quote Again

January 22, 2011 Leave a comment

“Nothing looks so like innocence as an indiscretion”


Jane Wagner Quote

January 22, 2011 Leave a comment

“I swear people don’t want sex so much as they want somebody who’ll listen to ’em … the first thing you learn after fellatio is how to listen… -“

listening skills meet oral hygiene

Kermit the Frog, Blow Jobs and Vietnamese Frog Legs Part 1

January 22, 2011 Leave a comment

So after work one day, Joe and The Saint dropped by one of the local hotel bars on Lexington Ave. that may have been the all time worst meet markets in Manhattan, still is. Joe apparently had smoked some pot before meeting up and was ready for trouble before the first martini was served. We not accidentally met two Vietnamese chicks who worked on the fashion business and with the elegant clothes we wore it was an easy meet.  Joe said he would take the one the looked like Kermit the Frog. I sighed a relief.

After the first introduction  “Kermit” said they were drinking  blow jobs upon which Joe immediately spilled his freshly poured Belvedere Martini with a twist of lemon. The chicks thought this was the funniest thing (he must be shy and nervous) and he quickly had the drink replaced while they laughed at his ‘cuteness’ of being shaken up by their forwardness. The truth was he was really just stoned and thinking more about them “reading his mind” about what good they could do for him. I got stuck with the better looking one,not by much, who was boring as hell.

They thought that Joe was shy and innocent , soft spoken and well dressed, not a greasy type, the wonders of alcohol. He quickly tried to get her into a cab to go back to the studio but it was decided they would just take a ride back to the East Village where they both lived.

We split ways and about an hour later Joe called me to tell me he banged her in the cab on the way home with her face pressed against the window (she must have really looked like Kermit then) and dropped her off at her apartment which was a block down the street from the apartment he lived in with his wife.

He also managed to get her phone number in the process at some point.

Unlucky Cheng’s/Chinks

January 13, 2011 Leave a comment

One of the most bizarre plans Joe came up with was to go to Lucky Cheng’s, this drag queen club, to pick up straight girls that were there for bachelorette parties. This was a crazy concept as you had to be sure the chicks didn’t think you were a fag. Anyway after two martini’s it sounded like a good idea. This trip involved Joe, The Saint, and The Pilot.

After a few more drinks my head was spinning and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Even the straight chicks hanging out could be possible trannys and the bachelorette parties were as tight as a chastity belt, no infiltration there. Not a chance. Joe disappeared into the men’s (questionable) room with one of the staff drag queen’s. The Pilot went to take a piss and came out laughing and a little scared. Apparently he walked in on Joe with his belt around the drag queen’s neck in the men’s room stall.

Joe returned with a big smile, told us that he bought some coke from the drag queen. I mean this is really a f”ked up scene. Transvestite waitress/waiter coke dealers,I had enough of this bizarre shit and didn’t want coke or a drag queen so with The Pilot, I exited and went to hear some music over at Zinc bar where things could return to some normalcy.

Joe called me in the morning to ask what had happened to him; according to his story his wife was pissed she woke up with a drag queen sleeping on their sofa in the living room. The Saint made a decision that day that Joe was so far gone, it was in the best interest of safety to avoid the guy. The Pilot was laughing his ass off when he heard about this one.

Texas Hold’em

January 13, 2011 Leave a comment

One night I had to play wingman for The Yankee. He had met two young chicks from Texas on the D train coming back from Yankee Stadium in The Bronx. I owed him a favor and why not, Texas women are different from other Southern women.  I knew they would be Republicans but as long as they didn’t carry a gun in the purse, everything should be alright. Can’t remember how the evening started but ended up at the French place in the meatpacking district and head to listen to some silly conversation about “freedom fries” and what assholes the French are for serving fries with mayonnaise. Despite the intellectual stimulation they weren’t bad looking. One tall one with large breasts (she got assigned to me) and the other cute , somewhat mouse-ee for a Texan but not so bad. The Yankee picked her. After the the dinner ended up at the lame Irish bar with the current bartender hookup.  Thing was a drag as these chicks really could drink and were not game for any action which was disappointing as The Yankee’s apartment was right around the corner. I pushed along in a saintly way, after all, it was an investment in time and energy to feign interest sporadically.

Finally the wisest thing to do was to put them in a cab and find someone else to flirt with. Better to pick’em myself. Should have folded the cards hours before…(7DQR9FASB9QV)